Have you ever been in a place in life, where nothing seems to be falling into place and everything seems like hard work? You name it, nothing seems to be just going smoothly? And if things are going to plan, have you ever felt so uncomfortable with no drama that you single handedly manage to self destruct and tear everything down, without even meaning to? Yes? Good…. it’s not just me then.
I’ve been back to work for about 2 weeks now, I’ve come to the decision that I’m more than happy to go in, do my work, get paid and go home… so that part of my life, although boring and unsatisfying, is pretty okay.
The teenagers seem to be self sufficient, youngest has sorted things out with her boyfriend, so she’s happy enough and the eldest is going to college and work with no issues. So that part of my life is pretty okay.
My house is tidy, I’m keeping on top of the cleaning and washing, animals haven’t destroyed anything in the last few weeks and my garden is coming on nicely. So that part of my life is okay.
I’m seeing the guy I like most nights, getting on great, been on a few fun nights out with him and with friends. So that part of my life is pretty okay.
So why, do I still have this overwhelming sense of self loathing, failure and disappointment?
My brain still won’t catch up with how things are moving along nicely in my life. I don’t have major dilemmas or catastrophes going on around me, not like they were 6 months ago, I have wonderful friends and a man who’s hot and exciting… So why am I not grateful for what I do have, rather than being fixated on what I don’t?
When I sit at home, alone, that’s when my brain really goes to town and starts picking apart anything that’s going fine, to find the flaws that my normal subconscious hasn’t recognised. I spend most of my time telling myself to shut up, I’m being stupid, I’m just trying to find fault and to just accept things are okay and I’ve no right to feel so bad most of the time… but the problem, is I can only shut those voices out for so long! Take last night for example… I had a wonderful night, good food, great company, when on the train home, my brain wouldn’t stop screaming at me that this scenario wasn’t as perfect as it felt. Why would things be going so great? Why would I, get to be so lucky? So what did I do? I started picking and poking until I found myself in an argument, I let those horrible voices in my head take over, that subsequently put me back into a place that my brain feels comfortable with… a place that justifies how I feel 90% of the time.
By causing drama, the aftermath fits much better into how I really feel. It’s not healthy, and it’s certainly not rational, but that, in a nutshell is my daily struggle at the moment.
I don’t think my brain has caught up with how things are finally moving forward and getting better. Sure, the physical side to my life has improved greatly, but unfortunately, there’s no quick fix or magic pill that deals with the “scars” a breakdown carries… they can be there for a long time. Long after the support you had in the worst times has faded, long after you return to “normal”
I think the remission period of a break down is the toughest fight you have to face and self destruction is an inevitable part of learning to stay on the well being wagon. Learning when to listen to those voices, when to shut them down and who to air those thoughts to is all part of recovery, but boy, are they the hardest lessons to master….
#depression #failingatlife #newblog #postaweek #selfdestruct