Normal.

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So, at the ripe old age of 37, you’d think I’d have some savvy when it comes to men, relationships and dating. The actual reality? I am a wreck in the love department.

When I was in college, 18/19 year old me had absolutely no intention of settling down, having babies and living in the UK. Fast forward 9 months after graduation, and I’m living at my mums with a new born.

Her dad had quite abruptly left when I was 2 months pregnant, went off travelling, with no intention of us getting back together on his return.

Queue my first bout of depression. Yes, at the time, it was diagnosed as post natal, but in reality, that was just a label. My whole life had been shaken and as far as I was concerned, all my hopes and dreams of an adventurous future had gone and my coping mechanism seems to be flawed, and I fell into a cold, grey space.

You see, My confidence was in tatters, I’d gained about 6 stone while pregnant, comfort eating was something I did when all my friends were out partying while I was stuck at home building a human…. I lost contact with everyone I knew, and the parenting class mums were all in their 30s and happily married. I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere, and I had no social life at all. And the boy I thought I’d marry, had left. So with this all going on, a new born and my lack of coping skills, I got ill.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls, but I’d always imagined that when I did have babies, the circumstances pictured were a world away to what I had.

So, I changed my thought process and my future goals as part of my recovery. I brushed myself off, put on a fake smile and held my head up high to show the world I wasn’t a failure at being a mum just because I didn’t fit into the “norm”

But inwardly, all I wanted, from there on in, was a secure family unit for me and my baby girl. Looking back, this was more of an unhealthy obsession to become, what I perceived as “normal” and that polyfiller fix, has haunted me ever since…

Fast forward a year. I’d gone back to work part time, had lost a lot of weight (I love Atkins, but that’s for another post) and actually started having a social life again. I was on the mend, and I met my second daughter’s dad.

The confidence boost that had on me was indescribable. He doted on me and said all the things I wanted to hear. He was good with Lucy, and kept talking about future plans…. I was bowled over. The phrase “love is blind” is an understatement when it comes to this relationship though…. destruction and heart break is what my future with this pathological liar, cheat and thief led to, but before I could run for the hills, Natalie was on her way…

Despite the horrific life I was living with my ex, I stuck it out. My idea of wanting to “be normal” shrouded any rational thinking or common sense when it came to him. I put up with, what can only be described as emotional abuse for 10 years.

Now it’s very difficult to describe to someone why you stick around in those situations. I had plenty of chances to escape, but I chose not to. My warped idea that I needed to be part of a family out weighed the idea of being unloved and single. And that stigma still haunts me now.

But it’s mutated into something else.

My life at this moment is the most stable it’s ever been. I have a good job, a lovely home, two very confident, intelligent beautiful daughters, who unfortunately, have their mother’s temperament and attitude (more on that in a future post) but I still feel like I’m missing out on something. I still haven’t mastered the art of holding down a non toxic relationship.

Does that make me less successful? Of course not! But it has made me absolutely useless at falling for the right guy.

I’m slowly learning why I make bad decisions, and that in itself must be seen as growth… but on my journey of self discovery, there have been some right old cock ups that I’ve made….

But I will fill you in on those life failures in another post…

#postaday #mumfailingatlife #normal #trainwreck

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