Self destruct in 5,4,3…..

Have you ever been in a place in life, where nothing seems to be falling into place and everything seems like hard work? You name it, nothing seems to be just going smoothly? And if things are going to plan, have you ever felt so uncomfortable with no drama that you single handedly manage to self destruct and tear everything down, without even meaning to? Yes? Good…. it’s not just me then.

I’ve been back to work for about 2 weeks now, I’ve come to the decision that I’m more than happy to go in, do my work, get paid and go home… so that part of my life, although boring and unsatisfying, is pretty okay.

The teenagers seem to be self sufficient, youngest has sorted things out with her boyfriend, so she’s happy enough and the eldest is going to college and work with no issues. So that part of my life is pretty okay.

My house is tidy, I’m keeping on top of the cleaning and washing, animals haven’t destroyed anything in the last few weeks and my garden is coming on nicely. So that part of my life is okay.

I’m seeing the guy I like most nights, getting on great, been on a few fun nights out with him and with friends. So that part of my life is pretty okay.

So why, do I still have this overwhelming sense of self loathing, failure and disappointment?

My brain still won’t catch up with how things are moving along nicely in my life. I don’t have major dilemmas or catastrophes going on around me, not like they were 6 months ago, I have wonderful friends and a man who’s hot and exciting… So why am I not grateful for what I do have, rather than being fixated on what I don’t?

When I sit at home, alone, that’s when my brain really goes to town and starts picking apart anything that’s going fine, to find the flaws that my normal subconscious hasn’t recognised. I spend most of my time telling myself to shut up, I’m being stupid, I’m just trying to find fault and to just accept things are okay and I’ve no right to feel so bad most of the time… but the problem, is I can only shut those voices out for so long! Take last night for example… I had a wonderful night, good food, great company, when on the train home, my brain wouldn’t stop screaming at me that this scenario wasn’t as perfect as it felt. Why would things be going so great? Why would I, get to be so lucky? So what did I do? I started picking and poking until I found myself in an argument, I let those horrible voices in my head take over, that subsequently put me back into a place that my brain feels comfortable with… a place that justifies how I feel 90% of the time.

By causing drama, the aftermath fits much better into how I really feel. It’s not healthy, and it’s certainly not rational, but that, in a nutshell is my daily struggle at the moment.

I don’t think my brain has caught up with how things are finally moving forward and getting better. Sure, the physical side to my life has improved greatly, but unfortunately, there’s no quick fix or magic pill that deals with the “scars” a breakdown carries… they can be there for a long time. Long after the support you had in the worst times has faded, long after you return to “normal”

I think the remission period of a break down is the toughest fight you have to face and self destruction is an inevitable part of learning to stay on the well being wagon. Learning when to listen to those voices, when to shut them down and who to air those thoughts to is all part of recovery, but boy, are they the hardest lessons to master….

#depression #failingatlife #newblog #postaweek #selfdestruct

Over thinking

Something caught my eye as I scrolled through my Facebook news feed the other day, looking for a distraction from the mountain of house work that I needed to do, too caught up in the modern day world to just put the phone down and crack on… I saw a short video titled “5 things you need to know about over thinkers” now, I’ve never put myself in a box that labelled me as one, but the need to do anything other than chores, led me to click on the link.

While I watched, I found myself thinking (no pun intended) how much these 5 little phrases made absolute perfect sense to me. I didn’t question any of them. They all seemed perfectly normal to me. And then I remembered the title of the clip and that it was describing my brain process perfectly. Which made myself ask the question, “was I, an over thinker?”

So before I go through answering that question, here’s Thought catalog’s definition:

“Chronic over-thinking (noun): the inability to do anything without thinking of the repercussions of the aforementioned action; the act of pulling apart and analyzing everything and anything presented before you; how to ruin your life.”

So as not to break character, in true Helen style, I started reading up on this “over thinking” philosophy. And the results were a little eye opening, to say the least.

I found one post, A Normal Person’s Guide To Dealing With An Overthinker and between laughter and tears, I shouted at this guy to get out of my head! This wasn’t the only artical I read on the subject (did I mention before I have a tendency to become a little obsessive sometimes?) but this guy was explaining to, what he called “Normal people”, how our thought process worked….

It was enlightening, just the night before, I’d had a conversation with, let’s call him my on again off again man, where I’d been going over a hypothetical scenario and was trying to get him to give me answers on a subject that had never happened, and probably never would! His reaction, to me was infuriating, he said to me it’s impossible for him to answer as what I was asking was a fictional sequence of events from my own head and I needed to stop obsessing over a “what if” dilemma! He said I was acting crazy! The cheek of it?

At the time, I found my self trying to re word and re explain myself in a way he’d understand… But of course, this was never going to happen!

So to see this post on fb, was an eye opener to say the least. Never had I considered myself as not normal in the way I, let’s just say it, obsess over every little detail… I thought it was normal to read into a situation and decipher every possible outcome, likely or not!

A positive side to being an over thinker, is that when needed, I can remember every single detail! It would explain why my mum has always said I’m good in an argument. It’s because I’d have already gone through the scenario a 1000 times before bringing anything up. I don’t make up facts or details, I will have dissected every conversation leading up to the argument already. So anything thrown at me would obviously be counter acted with a full and detailed response.

It’s practically impossible to win an argument against me, however, that doesn’t mean that because I have an answer for everything, that I can stop a row or always get my own way, it usually just means that I wind the other person up to a point where they storm out!

Finally looking at the way I think and that it isn’t how others see the world, also explains my hate and inability to understand liars. The way I look at the world, lies always get found out… With a little mental investigation, I can pick apart even the most complex of porkie pies!

So, I think it’s pretty obvious that I am, in fact, a self confessed over thinker. I will obsess, I will infuriate people and I will have a need to go over every little detail.

But, for anyone that is able to put up with that, they’ll have an honest, tenacious and faithful friend, who basically has a sixth sense or super power to analyse any situation with meticulous precision. The over thinker will lap up any given opportunity to obsess about situations their friends have and never get bored of hearing about other people’s problems. I say, that makes an over thinker an invaluable person to have in your life. We’re handy to have around…

#life #overthinker #failingatlife #newblog #postaweek

Sharing is caring

A few months ago, I started to notice a friend of mine on Facebook, (you know the ones, someone from your past that you were close with, but now really only interact with by reacting with a laughing emoji on a meme involving dogs) started posting about one of her passions, art.

The posts would catch my eye and I’d click on the link and read, what I found to be, her blog… each day, a new post would appear on my timeline, and I became more and more hooked with her perception of the piece, her critique and passion about what she had started doing.

My friend, Widow Cranky, gave me the idea to start my own “online diary” and here I am today.

Thanks to blogging, we’ve reconnected after so many years and she’s even offered to help me with getting my page into order… and if she hadn’t done enough already to support me, she’s also nominated me for The Liebster Award 2018, a platform for new bloggers to celebrate each other’s Work and get to know one another.

So here’s how it works (or open the link above)

1. Acknowledge the blogger who nominated your blog.

2. Answer the questions.

3. Nominate 11 other new bloggers to encourage them.

4. Ask them 11 questions

5. Let them know you have nominated them.

6. Include the link to the award in your post, and copy your blog post directly to their comments section in the link

So, let’s get this started. Here are widowCranky’s 11 questions;

1.What inspires you?

Wow… nothing like a deep philosophical question to get the ball rolling!

Okay… What inspires me is the capability the brain has to heal… not physically, but with all the heartache, worry and stress we put ourselves through, I find it inspiring that we do move on, we do forget and we do learn from experience (sometimes)

2.What what your favourite book growing up?

I loved the Malory Towers series. The adventures the girls had, the idea of what it’d be like living away from home and the friendship groups all fascinated me. They were the first “big” books that I read and my girls enjoyed them too…

3.Who is your favourite artist?

Now, I’m not really an art enthusiast, but I know what I like. Any piece of work that has serene landscapes whisk me away to a tranquil place… I do know I like Monet, but I’m not going to embarrass myself and try to explain why!

4.What is something that has moved you deeply?

I read an artical about the “White Helmets” and the work that they do in Syria. They’re a charity organisation who go above and beyond, risking their own lives to support and rescue families in the war torn state. Images are poignant and heartbreaking, but the volunteers are simply inspiring.

5.What do you find truly funny?

Im a real sucker for any kind of animal video. Let’s face it, if anything, the internet has brought us such things as ninja Cat and pet shaming! (If you’ve never heard of these, I thoroughly recommend you search for both of these as soon as you can!)

6.What is your favourite beverage…alcoholic or otherwise?

I am a self confessed tea junkie. My need for tea is possibly comparable to that of an addict. I even boil the kettle, while making a tea, so it’s ready as soon as the one I’m making is finished!

7.Do you have a quirk? If so what is it?

Hmm. I’d like to think I’m generally “quirky” I’m weird and wonderful in most of my daily comings and goings and I like to celebrate that fact!

8.Do you think you are an inspiration to others?

No.

(Okay, I don’t think I can get away with that as an answer so I’ll elaborate)

Some might argue I inspire my kids to be decent humans, but I just see that as being a good parent…

9.Marmite… yes or no?

I’m an inbetweener! I kind of like it, on some things, but wouldn’t be bothered if it suddenly left our supermarket shelves!

10.If you could own anything, what would be your prized possession?

I have always dreamed of owning a horse. One of my greatest regrets, was loosing touch with my equine passion.

11.What grinds your gears?

You know what really grinds my gears? (Said in the most uncanny Peter Griffin voice!) people that use the term MILF incorrectly. Queue rant;

A MILF is a parent of one of your friends, NOT some random woman who just so happens to be a Mum!!! If a random calls me a MILF, I have to remind them, they are not my daughters’ friend, therefore, I’m just a woman u would like to “take home”

Phew. Done! Now, here is the 11 new bloggers that I’d like to nominate:

Live with Sonal

The Journal

The words of Osiris

Miss Imp

A day in the life of Em

My Million

My Movie Ramblings

30 day trials

Dates and Cakes

Pushing Fifty and a Stroller

Me, Myself & Anxiety

And my 11 questions

1 – If you had the chance to have a conversation with someone from your past or present, who would it be? Why? And what would you say?

2 – If you could do something without risk, fear or consequences , what would it be?

3 – If you could live a day in someone else’s shoes, who would it be and why?

4 – What would be your dream job?

5 – Where in the world would you say is your “safe” place?

6 – My mum is always full of useless information. What is your favourite useless fact that you like to share?

7 – Have you ever been caught out and believed something that was obviously (after being laughed at) made up? If not, have you ever caught someone out? What did you tell them?

8 – What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received? How did you react?

9 – What do you find most challenging?

10 – where do you keep your plastic bags? (Personal family conundrum)

11 – How do you make people feel loved?

Please check out my nominated bloggers, they’ve all made a great start x

#sharingiscaring #blog #newblogpost

Just a quickie

Apologies for no new posts this week.. I’m back at work and slowly adjusting to how shattering it is! Not to mention I’ve volunteered my services to a friend to commit to spending a few hours each evening with them, to help them through a rough time. It’s actually pretty co-dependant, we’re keeping each other’s minds preoccupied which is having a positive effect…

Anyway, I have been nominated by an old friend for an award for new bloggers and so I’m in the process of finding 11 new bloggers to nominate in return, queue lots of reading! That in itself has been a positive distraction, and I’m making new friends in the blogging community.

So, although this is just a quick “catch up” to where I’ve been and what I’m up to, I just wanted to let you folks know I’m okay and working on my next post, as we speak.

Peace out ✌️

The Liebster Award 2018

I’m sorry, mum.

Those of you that read yesterday’s post, you’ll know it was my brother’s birthday so the clan gathered to eat cake, and compete against each other to lead in the conversation.

During the night, my sister declared that her daughter, at the age of 25 and a new Mum herself, had finally apologised to my sister for her behaviour as a teenager.

This, is every Mum’s goal. Yes, of course we want to see our brood become happy, successful independent adults, but, deep down, every Mum wants that moment when they hear those 3 magical words. The 3 most important words any mother will ever hear.

I’m sorry, Mum.

Now, I’m not saying that we’re all narcissistic people, only basing our success as parents on the pinnacle moment we can turn around to our children and say “ha! I told you so!” But man, it is, even if it’s a secret ambition, the holy grail of parent hood.

I remember saying it to my mum. You get to that place in life, either as a parent, or just a person who can look back in their past and “evaluate” their childish behaviour, where you realise, some of the things you put your parents through were, to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick move.

Now, I wasn’t the worst teenager out there, even now, some people might disagree, but I had a pretty level head on my shoulders and most of what I did, I usually did it in a fairly responsible way…. Yes, we would sometimes go to the park, spend our £5 pocket money on a bottle of 2020 and 10 fags, but at the time? It wasn’t too bad, or was it? As a parent now, it’s scary to think our little bundles of joy are at an age where they are going to start experiencing life. The problem is, it’s not until you get older, that you realise how dangerous, worrying or reckless those experiences could have been!

I look back at some decisions I made and yes, at the time, didn’t seem too bad. But what you don’t have at that age, is the ability to look at the big picture…

For example, I’m going through it with my eldest. She’s beautiful, intelligent & popular. But right now, all she can see is the here and now. I’m fighting a losing battle, because sure, she has every right to experiment, be reckless or irresponsible. She’s young, and has me to pick up the pieces, right?

Well, it’s right in the sense that if she finds herself stranded at a party, and the designated driver is face down in her own vomit in the toilets. She can call me. Yes, I won’t be happy, driving my arse in the middle of the night wearing my dressing gown, but I’m there to make sure she’s safe.

What I can’t seem to drill into her head, is life gets a lot tougher in a few years, and if she messes up now, it’s starting to get to a point where she is making childish decisions that are going to effect her adult life. And that, is the parent vs teenagers’ oldest battle.

For example:

Parent can see that teenager is spending too much time partying, which makes them late for college and start to fail; causing said teenager to risk getting kicked out of college, not being able to go to Uni and end up asking “do you want fries with that?” For most of their adult life.

All teenager hears is another long winded rant from parent about how they’ve given them everything, how they’re throwing away their lives and that they will screw up if they don’t start “acting their age”

Queue eye roll, a huff and a puff and a comment usually along the lines of “well you did it!!!!” Followed by an almighty slam of the door.

And that is the problem. Yes, we did it. It is all part of growing up, but as a parent, you want your children to not have to learn the hard way. To maybe, have things a little easier than you did, and offer them advice and guidance on how you see things and how you think it’d work better.

But. And this is practically impossible. It isn’t our life! The best we can do, is make sure they’re safe and they have all the info they need. As I’m writing this, even I can see the logic, but in no way have I mastered putting it into practice… I will continue to battle with my teenagers, suffer that dreaded week in the month where hormones are detectable on a Richter Scale and I will react to the snarky comment made as one of them leaves the room, because, I’m still learning too!

And that’s the problem with life. At no point, in any part of our lives, are we living in a tried and tested state. Everyday is new. Everyday is a new challenge. And everyday we learn how not to do something again. Sure, we all have someone in our lives that is a step ahead of us and can offer some advise, but that person will be struggling with something else! Life sucks. But we’ve got to start looking at people around us trying to help and not feel like they’re judging us, but that they’ve just done that bit already…

So, just to be sure she knows I now get what she was trying to do. I’m sorry, mum. And I mean it, because she’s going to have to steer me through a few more milestones I’ve yet to reach and because she’s my mum, I know she always will, as I will for my girls, no matter how argumentative they are….

#postaday #mum #life

Hero

So tomorrow is my big brother’s birthday. So I couldn’t let it pass by without some kind of recognition.

I’ve never been particularly close with him… I was a “happy accident” who came along when my brother and sister where 6 & 8. I’m sure you can imagine how pleased they were when mummy and daddy brought home a bundle of joy into their already perfect world!

To say my brother was a handful as a child is an understatement. My mum would often recount stories of how the local A & E department knew him by name by the age of 3! He was a typical boy. Falling head first into a bonfire and slicing his hand open on a hot tin can, cutting my sister’s hair the day before a family portrait… yes, my big brother was the 1970s version of Horrid Henry!

Because of such a big age gap, I effectively had the upbringing of an only child. By the time I was 7/8, my brother and sister were fully fledged teenagers, hardly ever at home, trying to avoid the battle ground that was our house (parent’s divorce imminent).

My brother was a bully. A typical mean big brother. He didn’t get on well at school, but had a talent for music that would rival any historic composer. He was one of those annoying people, who could listen to a tune, pick up any instrument and be playing it near perfect within a few hours. One of my fondest memories is when he got an electric keyboard in his room… he spent hours learning to play, by himself, by figuring out the theme tune to all creatures great and small (anyone younger than 30 may not have a clue, so I’ve included a link) whenever I hear the tune now, my brother is who I remember, and listening to it, fills me with a warm memory (man that kid was talented!)

So my brother would rarely be at home… he started a cliche band with his mates, which, as far as I know, never really made it out of our garage, but to my 8 year old self, they were the coolest people I knew!

He moved out when he was about 19 and married his high school sweetheart. This is partly why we were never close… by the time I was a teenager, he was a fully fledged grown up! The marriage didn’t work and eventually my brother had had enough of the job he was doing, moved in with a group of housemates and set up his own recording studio and bar. The house consisted of 5 men, between 25-40, who all acted like teenagers! They even built a skate ramp in the garage, and eventually ran a full blown annual festival event in their back garden!

The bar/studio, Music Tek, was a dive. But man, was it cool! All the local emo kids would hang out there and John got to finally do something he not only loved, but was incredibly talented at.

Over the years, he was part of many bands, travelled the country and even did a stint at a holiday camp as one of the house bands… (70s costume photos to follow)

We didn’t really see much of him… the parodical son would return and he would retell stories from his adventures (usually involving different women)

After a devastating blow, he picked himself up and joined a cruise ship. Starting as a band member, and moving up to captain status as sound engineer (or something along those lines) he travelled the world and eventually met his wonderful wife.

So my brother and his wife finally settle down, rent a house and get land based jobs. Children were on the horizon and my big brother, was finally settled, happy and successful.

On August 25th 2016, my family received the worst news. John had been involved in a motorbike accident and airlifted to Cambridge hospital. My dad called me while I was at work. All we knew was that he’s been knocked of his bike, unconscious, and in a critical condition.

He was hit from side on, by an elderly driver who pulled out of his drive. His leg taking the full impact. He was thrown 30ft and in the process, his foot was nearly torn off. Thankfully, he has never skimped on safety gear, or I’d be writing a memorial post today…

In the months that followed, my brother and family have been through the mill. He has had to regrow his leg and anyone who’s seen Harry Potter, growing bones is a painful business! Unfortunately, it’s a much longer and agonising process than that in the magical world of Hogwarts! But in true John style, he’s battled every hurdle. He’s started a campaign for councils to issue temporary disabled badges, promoted the need for elderly drivers to be re-tested and raised money for the air ambulance service. He’s appeared on This Morning and news channels and even had an emotional reunion with the off duty paramedic who was first at the scene on live radio (I listened on the way to work, and had to pull over!)

During this last year, he’s been a moaning Minnie at times, but through it all, he’s managed to fight and stay strong.

By Christmas, my brother is walking again. Still with a stick, but in our eyes, we’re just as proud as if he’d have won the Nobel prize.

I may not be as close to my brother as some families. But in our clan, no force can pull us apart.

So here’s to my brother. May he have a wonderful birthday, and 2018 is going to be one hell of a year for him xxx

All Creatures Great and Small

#mumfailingatlife #postaday #brother #hero

Normal.

So, at the ripe old age of 37, you’d think I’d have some savvy when it comes to men, relationships and dating. The actual reality? I am a wreck in the love department.

When I was in college, 18/19 year old me had absolutely no intention of settling down, having babies and living in the UK. Fast forward 9 months after graduation, and I’m living at my mums with a new born.

Her dad had quite abruptly left when I was 2 months pregnant, went off travelling, with no intention of us getting back together on his return.

Queue my first bout of depression. Yes, at the time, it was diagnosed as post natal, but in reality, that was just a label. My whole life had been shaken and as far as I was concerned, all my hopes and dreams of an adventurous future had gone and my coping mechanism seems to be flawed, and I fell into a cold, grey space.

You see, My confidence was in tatters, I’d gained about 6 stone while pregnant, comfort eating was something I did when all my friends were out partying while I was stuck at home building a human…. I lost contact with everyone I knew, and the parenting class mums were all in their 30s and happily married. I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere, and I had no social life at all. And the boy I thought I’d marry, had left. So with this all going on, a new born and my lack of coping skills, I got ill.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls, but I’d always imagined that when I did have babies, the circumstances pictured were a world away to what I had.

So, I changed my thought process and my future goals as part of my recovery. I brushed myself off, put on a fake smile and held my head up high to show the world I wasn’t a failure at being a mum just because I didn’t fit into the “norm”

But inwardly, all I wanted, from there on in, was a secure family unit for me and my baby girl. Looking back, this was more of an unhealthy obsession to become, what I perceived as “normal” and that polyfiller fix, has haunted me ever since…

Fast forward a year. I’d gone back to work part time, had lost a lot of weight (I love Atkins, but that’s for another post) and actually started having a social life again. I was on the mend, and I met my second daughter’s dad.

The confidence boost that had on me was indescribable. He doted on me and said all the things I wanted to hear. He was good with Lucy, and kept talking about future plans…. I was bowled over. The phrase “love is blind” is an understatement when it comes to this relationship though…. destruction and heart break is what my future with this pathological liar, cheat and thief led to, but before I could run for the hills, Natalie was on her way…

Despite the horrific life I was living with my ex, I stuck it out. My idea of wanting to “be normal” shrouded any rational thinking or common sense when it came to him. I put up with, what can only be described as emotional abuse for 10 years.

Now it’s very difficult to describe to someone why you stick around in those situations. I had plenty of chances to escape, but I chose not to. My warped idea that I needed to be part of a family out weighed the idea of being unloved and single. And that stigma still haunts me now.

But it’s mutated into something else.

My life at this moment is the most stable it’s ever been. I have a good job, a lovely home, two very confident, intelligent beautiful daughters, who unfortunately, have their mother’s temperament and attitude (more on that in a future post) but I still feel like I’m missing out on something. I still haven’t mastered the art of holding down a non toxic relationship.

Does that make me less successful? Of course not! But it has made me absolutely useless at falling for the right guy.

I’m slowly learning why I make bad decisions, and that in itself must be seen as growth… but on my journey of self discovery, there have been some right old cock ups that I’ve made….

But I will fill you in on those life failures in another post…

#postaday #mumfailingatlife #normal #trainwreck

Black Dog

So, out of the blue, I woke up this morning with a cloud over my head, a black dog at my side. I don’t know why, but this morning I just don’t have the energy or will power to get up and on with my day.

Without going too far into it. I’ve had possibly the worst year of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve probably had worse if I’m completely honest, but this year, events that happened led me to have a full break down.

It’d been a long time coming, but I’d always managed to dust myself off, hold my head up high, and pretend everything was okay.

This year though. It’s almost as if the last 20 years came crashing down on me and my whole world fell apart (at least in my head, anyway). Even just writing that paragraph down, has brought a tear to my eye.

Waking up feeling how I do today, is just another brutal reminder that I’m a long way off a full recovery. In fact, it’s a devastating reminder, that there is no such thing as “a full recovery” when it comes to depression and anxiety.

Even though I’m a sufferer, I don’t feel like it’s an illness. Its not something you can just take a pill, or a few days off work for. I can’t turn round to Jackie at the corner shop and say “yeah, I had a lovely Christmas, got a touch of that depression that’s been going around” even after all the social media awareness that’s been raised in the last year alone, it still doesn’t make me feel like I have an illness… more of a stigma that I have to hide or cover up.

How many of you reading this today, copy and pasted at least one status like:

Could one friend please copy and repost (not share)? We are trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.

2 ears 1 mouth… don’t forget people

And how many of you had a response from a friend or family member to that post? I’m guessing very few.

Mental health still isn’t understood. It’s still shrouded with stigma and judgement. I have to consciously tell myself, on a daily basis, I’m not a failure for being ill. But that doesn’t mean I can allow myself to believe it everyday.

These last 6 months have been tough. I’ve lost friends and even family. People around me just didn’t know what to do, or say… and I couldn’t tell them what I needed them to do, or say. I didn’t even tell them I was ill.

At my lowest, I just felt like I was a burden, and my girls, and everyone else around me would be better off if I just wasn’t here anymore… Which, horrible as it sounds, made me feel even more worthless, because I knew if I said anything to that effect out loud, people would think I was just being selfish, and so I would feel guilty about even having those worthless thoughts (can you detect a very vicious circle here)

In one of my darkest days I wrote possibly the most heartbreaking email. It described how I physically felt, how I’d ruined so much, how I couldn’t be grateful for what I had and that I was tired of just existing anymore…. I didn’t proof read, I just wrote, in floods of tears, in a dark room at 2am.

The email described exactly how I felt… I’d never been able to pin point it until that night. I sent it to one person. And that person stepped up. Funnily enough, it was the person who posted the status I quoted above. But I didn’t send it to him because of that. I sent it to him because he was an open sufferer, and by that,I mean he was willing to share how he felt, publicly, which held more weight than a generic status ever could.

So waking up this morning and feeling how I do, I felt I couldn’t not blog about my condition. People need to be more open and honest about what is going on behind a painted face, or false smile.

I am a whole lot better than I was 6 months ago, and just to put your minds at rest, I am now open with my close family and friends about my illness. I’m currently on a medication that seems to be working and I’ve finally got NHS counselling. All steps in the right direction, and all things I need to remind myself of when I do have down days.

I am also working on trying to find distractions when I am having a bad day… but so far, I haven’t found the right distraction that works… But I will.

I’m already feeling a little more positive than I did this morning, and focussing on this blog has helped me today. You don’t want to know how many dark and self destructive drafts I have written today, but by writing the thoughts and feelings out, I was able to re read them, and even discard some of those thoughts from my head….

Maybe there’s more to this blogging malarkey that I’ve not thought about.

I’ve included some helpful links below to websites and organisations that I’ve used in the past…

But I’m going to leave you all with a thought. Next time you see a cut and paste status. Don’t just post it. Leave a short line about a time when you’ve needed help, or felt low, or, if you’ve noticed someone you know who is acting differently, or backing away from life, drop them a message to ask if they’re okay… they may not reply, but you might be saving a life ❤️

Samaritans

Mind

Living with a black dog

“Simple”

Start a blog, they say. It’s easy, they say… Well, ladies and gentlemen. Today has proved to me that not only am I #failingatlife but I am also the only one on this planet who is finding this blog malarkey to be confusing as hell!

Now don’t get me wrong. I may have jumped right in before reading every single article about blogging (but let’s be honest, there are a lot) but the few that I did read? Easy peasy is what these “they” folk all over the internet are saying!

Today’s to do list, at 9am, consisted of:

Make tea

Get washed and dressed

Choose a random blog entry from my draft email box

Upload

Sit and drink tea while binge watching Netflix the Queen, pausing once in a while to feel a pang if guilt that the hoovering hasn’t been done in 4…. no, sorry, I promised to be honest…. 8 days 🙈

Instead. My day has been:

Make tea

Nose through blog page

Realise Instagram isn’t automatically linked

Read “how to upload IG”

Try to follow instructions

Fail.

Make more tea

Try again

Connect IG account, to constantly be told it’s a private account and can’t be seen

Re start process

Re start process

Connect IG (I think, apologies if it’s not, but I don’t care anymore)

Next decide to read a bit more about what I need to set up.

Can. Open. Worms, EVERYWHERE.

Boy oh boy.

Now this may be common knowledge to most people (but remember, I epically fail at most things in life, hence the name) but I hadn’t realised how much “behind the scenes” set up goes into getting my ramblings out into the world!

I’m currently trying to figure out a “subscribe” button. This alone, has made me want to give up on life itself, as “simple” is becoming to be a bit of a blanket word used in most help pages, (this much, I have learned) causing me to sanctimoniously scream into my pillow and just hold my hands up that my witty little blog title may actually be kicking me right in the backside just to mock me.

Rant over.

I am determined to get this sorted. I can only bore and terrorise my Facebook friends for so long. For their sake. Wish me luck.

#subscribehell #mumfailingatlife

Hello world!

Let’s get the formalities out of the way.

Welcome to my blog! I’m fondly known as Pinx and so will introduce myself as such. My life is in no way interesting or extraordinary, probably not the best introduction, but I’m honest, if nothing else.

I’m a single mum of two teenage girls, always have been and know of nothing else. Not for the want of trying, let’s lay that on the table for all to see on day one!

My life is filled with teenage angst and drama, and the girls bring their own little bag of problems into my life too.

I tell everyone I meet I’m cool calm and collected, when the truth of the matter is, I’m clumsy, forgetful and I’m a dab hand at looking like I’m dealing with life’s hurdles, when in reality, I am majorly failing at life!

So why have I started this blog?

I’m not even sure of that answer myself yet… I write. I write, a lot. Now, these “writings,” they’re not Shakespeare or Jane Austin-esque, they’re unique ramblings in reaction to something I haven’t figured out how to deal with. Some are run of the mill diary type entries, others could be described as voices in my head that need to get out of there… Heck, some of them are full blown imaginary conversations I want to have, or should have had with people in my everyday life.

So this platform is somewhere for me to turn those words into reality.

Years ago, I started writing a book. It was a good book, in my eyes, about a past life I’ve long forgotten, or at least, moved away from and that book, can you guess where it is? It’s screwed up in the back of a wardrobe somewhere collecting dust. It’s not even in the 99p bucket in a service station. I never even gave the poor thing a chance. So, before I’m 40 (and it’s looming, fast) I figured I’d give my random scrolls an audience.

So be prepared for mundane run of the mill diary entries, to epiphany moments where I actually think I’ve figure this world out. Though mostly, it will probably consist of my constant rage that I am the only person who knows how to change a toilet roll and how irritating internet dating can be.

I’m hoping, above all, I may even find that I am not alone in this Forever battle we call life. That maybe, I’m not actually failing, but that I’m doing, okay.

So, for a first entry, I hope I’ve not scared you off. That I’ve not sent you clicking for that close button. I’m hoping, you too just want to know that life does suck, but that everyone else thinks it sucks too….